Yellow Dog

There are all kinds of wild theories starting to float around about what happened to the 380 tons of explosives in Iraq--the Russians snuck in and took them... they are an imaginary figment of the biased press... the U.N. hauled them out back in March of 2003 to embarrass Bush... they were looted by Iraqi insurgents... Ted Koppel smuggled them out in his suspiciously huge army helmet (his head is big, but it's not that big)... Saddam sold them before crawling into his hidey hole... blah blah blah. Those theories are total bunk.

I donned a tinfoil hat (shiny side out!), and crafted a conspiracy theory which is startlingly simple and obvious. All I had to do is find the dots, then make the connections.

Dot #1: 380 Tons of explosives are "missing" in Iraq.
Dot #2: John D. Negroponte was appointed US Ambassador to Iraq in July.

OK, that's about all the dots I need. Weapons + Negroponte ...and only about a hundred miles from the Iran border.

Hmmmm. Why would Bush appoint John D. Negroponte to the most powerful position in Iraq? Because the "D" in John D. Negroponte stands for "Death Squad." Weapons are missing? It all makes perfect sense.

Here's what happened: During the glorious shock and awe bombing campaign (when the U.S. won the hearts of the Iraqis), a secret U.S. Special Ops Commando Unit moved the explosives to the good ol' U.S. Embassy-Baghdad. 380 tons of HMX and RDX are neatly stacked in Negroponte's garage awaiting the end of his eBay auction, whereby he'll ship it out to the winning death squad bidders. With nice clean cash (via Paypal), Death Squad Johny can buy other weapons and fund all sorts of covert contra-type activities.

Crazy? Not really. A few hundred tons of compact explosives will be pretty darn handy to have around while Negroponte is reshaping the mess in the middle east. If control of Iraq starts to slide toward people unfriendly to the Neocon fantasy scenario, ka-BOOM! No investigation needed--case closed. (Blame it on Zarqawi.)

The Bush administration hasn't technically even admitted the explosives are missing--they're "investigating." Rrrrriiiiiiiiigggght. The jig is up. Karl "Pigman" Rove has been tossing and turning in his sty for three nights trying to decide whether to keep the explosives hidden for future mischief or to order the commandos to bury them in a sand dune where they'll be "discovered" late Friday afternoon.

That's my conspiracy theory and I'm sticking to it!
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By the way, there sure wasn't much outrage when Negroponte was named the US ambassador to Iraq. Noam Chomsky noticed, but that was about it. From Central America to Iraq, by Noam Chomsky